OUR LIVES ARE MADE IN THESE SMALL HOURS, THESE LITTLE WONDERS, THESE TWISTS & TURNS OF FATE.




Friday, February 21, 2014

The Baby....

So it's a Friday, on a surprisingly sunny afternoon for February in Kansas.  I did some shopping at the Cottage Collective, a store I adore and look forward to the 3rd Friday of the month.  I have been baking, redecorating, and playing.  You would think I would be on cloud nine....

But I am not.

I am actually drinking a sweet tea, which if you know me, is like alcohol to some.  It's my "fix" when I am in need of something strong, to take the edge off.  Yes, an exciting life I lead.  However, today, I have dove head first off the wagon.

The reality of this day, is that Miayla has a dance competiton in OKC.  She doesn't dance until Sunday morning (4 dances).  I have been looking forward/dreading this weekend since August.  Looking forward to it because tiny dancer lives to dance.  She is in a constant state of movement and we used to call her Tink because she was like a fairy, fluttering between places.  She works so hard and call me bias, but is damn good.  She is dancing two dances with older girls and one guy.  Most of them are in 5th grade, she is in second.  She likes to practice but loves to compete.  All the practices 5 days a week, Friday nights and Saturday days, all the family time missed, birthday parties skipped, other sports/activities not played, are for this.  She lives for it, and I am beyond proud and happy to support her in it.  This is her weekend to shine and smile, and she will do both brightly. 


However.....

My heart is heavy. 
I have an empty feeling in my stomach.
My throat is dry. 
I had a small-large anxiety attack. 
If I had a gallon of sweet tea, I would have OD'd on it by now.  Because you see, it is also the weekend I leave Bella for the first time ever for a period longer than 10 hrs.  And even with that, I've only left her for 10hrs once...and I cried twice.  And I guess its not alllll just Bella.  Since July 2012, I have left the kids for 4 nights.  One was for my best friends bachelorette party in KC, one was when Sawyer was in the hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed, and the other two were when I was in the hospital bringing Anabella into the world.  Something about this time is different though.  Something about this time is gutting me harder than any other time before.

When I got pregnant with Cohen, I didn't want kids.  Something during that pregnancy changed though, or maybe not something but someone (me).  When Cohen was born, I decided I wanted 5 babies, preferably before the time I was 30, God willing.  So maybe it is because after each baby, I knew (hoped, prayed) that there would be another one, if God so saw it.  Cody and I were willing to try everything on our end to make it happen ;) lol.  But what happens now? Now that I am 30 and have 5 kiddos?

 It's been weighing on me a lot in general, I guess.  I've thought about this time of year, over and over and over lately.  I think it is because we are getting ready to celebrate this:

With each first birthday, deep in my heart, I hoped it wouldn't be my last first birthday.  And it's not that we are "done".  (I despise that term, what am I, a turkey?!) It's just I hadn't thought about a 6th or 7th or 8th... I have only thought about 5.  And for so long, I pictured the 5th as my baby.  The baby.  The last piece to our family puzzle.

So here I am... with Cinco.  Getting ready to leave the 5th for the first time.  (although right now, I am seriously contemplating NOT leaving her).  I know I could take her.  But it would be purely selfish, and difficult.  I will have to help Miayla change back stage 4 times in a hurry.  I will have to carry bags and food and costumes.  And Anabella has pneumonia... a competition is not the best place to avoid germs.  And, Miayla deserves my undivided attention, which would not happen if little sister followed along.  I know I could take my mom, or a sitter to help with Anabella, but again, its not place for a sick baby who loves to crawl.  She doesn't sleep as it is, so I feel a hotel room would be a disaster.  I had thought about just getting up super early Sunday morning (which I still may do) and drive down...but the seems like a long day for tiny dancer...and I had a nightmare I overslept...and left all her shoes at home, lol.  I know leaving her will happen eventually (especially because I have two overnight trips planned and Miayla has two more competitions out of state).  But for some reason, this moment, it is so hard. 

How does time go so fast?

How do we make it stop?

Miayla got upset last night (at Cody, not me...I'm her favorite....she pinky promised me in her closet last night that she would NEVER not talk to me:) ...Anyway, she was upset because Cody was playing old videos of her when she was little and singing and dancing.  I told her that I wasn't sorry he recorded her (she was "mortified").  I can't remember her voice at age 5, the words she said wrong, the innocence in it all.  And it breaks my heart.  Its all a blur and it scares me. 

So maybe that is it.  The realization that what I live for is them.  Everything about them.  Their silliness, their orneriness, their playfulness...Them.  "Let me hold you longer" by Karen Kingsbury is my favoritest children's book.  It talks about how everyone always celebrates the Firsts, while she is wondering about the lasts. 
"I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
  If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts."

So what if Belle is the last? What if this is the last first birthday?  The last time I leave a baby for the first time?  As I am typing this, I realized, that is it..... OKC is a tiny speck of it....  The reality is that  I can't stop the lasts or the firsts for that matter.  I can't change any of it.  I can't do it all, be everywhere, remember it all... and that kills me.  I would give anything to be able to though.

 I guess all I can do is thank The Almighty for what He has blessed me with and pray that He gives me the strength to handle this trip, this next week as I prepare for B's party, and this life, to cherish my babies.  All 5 of them. .... and maybe take some tea with me :)