I saw this on Pinterest on thought it looked fun and maybe one of my pins that I will ACTUALLY see through:) lol
It's been awhile since I blogged and I have so much to catch y'all up on, hello we moved, but we will get to that another day!
READING: just finished The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks. It was perfect! Cody had given it to me for Christmas 2013, with a sweet message in the back and "I'm glad you're here" highlighted in the text of the book. I decided to start his 2014 Christmas book to me next The Narrow Road to the deep North, but it was a bit intense for me in my instability (hello we moved), so I decided to start Looking for Alaska by John Green. Completely not age appropriate but since I sing T-swift songs at an insane decibel, being age appropriate is irrelevant at this point 😬
PLAYING: Pandora, all day everyday, usually on toddler radio
WATCHING: redbox! Umm, it may sound weird but we JUST rented our first redbox the first week of January! For a family with no cable or internet, they are a God send. We watched The Good Lie last night, so moving and Cohen, Miayla, and I all cried afterwards.
TRYING: to not start day drinking 🍹
COOKING: (baking technically) cupcakes, because it's Wednesday and I am ☝️☝️☝️
EATING: pretty much everything I shouldn't be
DRINKING: water, I haven't had a pop or sweet tea since MAY!!! that's huge for me
CALLING: mostly Cody BC I like to meet my daily quota of how many irrelevant phone calls I can make to him. "I found a bug in the bathroom." "Pancake (dog) pulled a branch off the tree"... You know alllll things he can help with 40 minutes away. Whoopsie
TEXTING: well my phone is acting up so my texting is hit or miss today. Sad day
PINNING: pool house ideas for the pool!
TWEETING: Don't tweet
CRAFTING: not so much crafting as I am moreso decorating
DOING: the laundry... When am I not doing laundry?!
GOING: to get in trouble for the jeans I ordered today👖
LOVING: the stage Belles is in right now!! The tiny tiny toddler stage but she's not tiny and talks all the time
HATING: the uncertainty I feel about everything that has happened the last few months
DISCOVERING: life in the country
ENJOYING: a cupcake! HOLLA
HOPING (for): more sunshine
CELEBRATING: the little things (New years resolution)
SMELLING: hello the cupcakes ( cherry and GF chocolate)
THANKING: God that I am blessed with awesome roommates and that I live in an amazing country (reference to what I watched)
CONSIDERING: washing this cupcake down with some moscato
FINISHING: this bad boy!
STARTING: to have a more positive outlook on everything starting NOW
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Saturday, August 2, 2014
The #7 & DiRt
I believe God writes the plan for our lives.
I believe that everything happens for a reason and in His time. The good, the bad, the uncertain.
Here is a post about all of those in Gods plan for my life.
The number 7.
I have "7"s all over our home, obviously because there are 7 of us. Seven is also a factor of 14, which we all know is my all time favorite number, which assists in it rising to the top of my favorite numbers list.
Dirt. Have y'all heard the song by FGL "Dirt"? The first time I heard it was the day they premiered it on the radio. It was one of those songs that made me feel all "holy smokes you're gonna remember this song" kind of feeling. I immediately thought of my Cody J. I have heard of so many stories of his life growing up in the country that they touch on in the song. I've caught glimpses of it when we go back to visit and from the beginning, it has always been his goal to one day get back to the country.
"You know you came from it (dirt)
And some day you'll return to
This elm shade red rust clay
You grew up on...
makes you wanna build
a 10 percent down
white picket fence house on this dirt"
We signed the contracts immediately... But first, some of the neighbors who came by to see who was about to invade the place, shook hands and gave hugs and calmed my nerves. I ended up knowing the seller and they are good folks too. I feel God put them in our path too.
I know the next few weeks are gonna be hard (not to mention the day after we bought the house we left for vacation for a week). Lots of packing, cleaning, renovating, school switching and chaos. I'm sad to leave our house, our parish, our neighborhood, and move further from our friends and my family. There were tears having to tell my dad, tears after Cody called our parish priest, tears after an email from our school principal, and tears after sad texts from our parish friends, and my family. But with the sad comes the happy. The happy dance when we told the kids, happiness from the sweet email from the new principal who said I made her day with our news, the hugs and cheers from Cody's brother and sister in law who canceled their date night to come into town and hear all about it and just be happy with us, and the happy feeling of looking at Cody randomly and seeing a smile allllll the time. Yes it will be hard, but it will be okay. I know it will be another fun adventure we go on as a family. I know that the 7 of us will find our new happy place, and memories will be abundant. I know that that we will make another home in our new parish and be blessed with new lifetime friends. I know that I will get to channel my inner Ree Drummond and experience my Cody in his element. And I know that those that love us, will come visit us, because distance is all an opinion. And I know that if God brought us to it, He will get us through it.
A picture of our new home, taken from the winding road, right after we bought it :)
Oh, and the house number is 7 and there is a white fence :)
I believe that everything happens for a reason and in His time. The good, the bad, the uncertain.
Here is a post about all of those in Gods plan for my life.
The number 7.
I have "7"s all over our home, obviously because there are 7 of us. Seven is also a factor of 14, which we all know is my all time favorite number, which assists in it rising to the top of my favorite numbers list.
Dirt. Have y'all heard the song by FGL "Dirt"? The first time I heard it was the day they premiered it on the radio. It was one of those songs that made me feel all "holy smokes you're gonna remember this song" kind of feeling. I immediately thought of my Cody J. I have heard of so many stories of his life growing up in the country that they touch on in the song. I've caught glimpses of it when we go back to visit and from the beginning, it has always been his goal to one day get back to the country.
"You know you came from it (dirt)
And some day you'll return to
This elm shade red rust clay
You grew up on...
makes you wanna build
a 10 percent down
white picket fence house on this dirt"
A few weeks ago, July 6th to be exact, Cody was going out to the country to visit his momma when he came across a sign. A sign from God you ask?! maybe.... But for sure a sign from McCurdy Auction about a house going up for Auction. He kept it in the back of his mind and we carried on with life..... For 2 days, to when at dinner, the kids asked us if we could move our 5 year plan of moving out to the country up to NOW. Cody and I kind of looked at each other like "now?!" And we told them we would talk ab it. Later that night, Cody asked me what I thought of it. I wasn't for sure how I felt about it. The plan was to build our dream home out in the country in 5 years. However, I knew that we were running out of space at our house. I knew the kids wanted more space to run free, and I knew that Cody was getting city fever (close relation to cabin fever) and I knew that I was wanting a change. BUT I also knew that I loved loved loved my home! My dad and Cody built our house and it is gorgeous. It's not fancy huge gorgeous, but happy place beautiful. I knew my family was close and I knew that our parish family (and school) were amazing and the friendships we had created there were some of my most favorite relationships ever! I told Cody if it was meant to happen it would happen.
The next morning, when we were laying in bed, he told me he found a house. A house that he thought might just be perfect for our family. He showed me the house and I kind of sort of fell in love with it too. It was an old farmhouse on 15.something acres with a pond and a big shop and a pool and lots of bedrooms and character. It was going to auction July 26th. We happened to be going out to Cheney that night for the parade, so we decided we would drive by the place, and scope it out. As soon as we hit the road leading to the house, I gasped. The road was so beautiful. It was long and winding and lined with big huge trees that made it feel like you were driving through an arch of trees, which is something I have always wanted to have. As soon as we made it to the end of the road and the house was right in front of us, a part of me knew we were where we were supposed to be. We set up a showing with our good friend at McCurdy Auction for the following Thursday, July 17th. We left the showing with a solidified desire to try to buy this house. We had also set up other showings for the following week to see what else was out there and get a better idea of what we wanted because buying a house wasn't in our plan. I am a type A person with lists and plans and you don't deviate from them. Because here's the other thing, I am completely high maintence. Ill be the first to admit it and Cody will be the first to confirm it. I knew there was no way I would ever love someone else's house (hence our plan to build) so we both knew that us finding a place to my standards was going to be a feat in and of itself. And we were right. Nothing was perfect, the other houses lacked in lots of areas. Most of them were big and beautiful and had ponds and land and docks, but they lacked something. I realized then that it wasn't the house I loved, it was the location and the farmhouses' character was pretty amazing. Yea, some of the other houses were newer and bigger, but I couldn't see myself in that space, but I could see myself at the farmhouse. Were there heated concrete floors inside? No. Custom cabinets? Nope. An energy effiecent rating? Not a chance. How was the concrete? Not only not stamped concrete, but was terrible. It lacked beautiful trim and super nice heavy doors and pretty stucco, concrete countertops and windowsills, and all of our memories and mementos that lined our home in Kechi. BUT there was space and there was opportunity to make it "homey". We would have so many projects and changes, but for the first time ever, I was excited about the work. I was excited about making that house our home. And like what everyone says, what makes it a home isn't the walls and exterior, its the people you share it with, and I am blessed with pretty awesome roommates. We decided that God had put this house in our path at that time for a reason. Cody spent the next few nights up late getting all the paperwork figured out and I stayed up all night praying. Were we crazy for going from thinking about moving in the next 5 years to trying to bid on a house in a week?! And it's not like it is just Cody and me moving to a different house. There are 7 of us and it would be a lifestyle change, not just a location change. (Disclaimer, although it is not in town, Cody doesn't consider it "real country" still, he says its "kind of country"....he says we still need to move further away from people to be "country folk", but hey its a start for me who has pretty much lived in a 10 mile radius my WHOLE LIFE! Baby steps Cody J, baby steps:) Anyway, this was a big decision and I kind of felt like I may have had an ulcer over it:/
Here's the other thing... Auctions are tricky. You don't know if you're gonna buy it or not. You can go into it hoping to buy it but you can also leave with nothing. It's not about who has the most money, it's about who has the ability to see the value of the property WHILE not getting so emotionally attached that you overspend on the property value. We knew we loved the property, but we also knew that it was a transition home or as I often sang "temporary home" (cue Carrie underwood music). Our plan was to still find our dream land and build our dream home. But we thought this house would be a perfect fit for what we need right now and it will be easier to move two kiddos in school as opposed to 5, which would be the case if we stuck to our original 5 year plan. We didn't need to overspend just bc we WANTED it. We needed to do what was best for us as a family, with the amount that was reasonable. So you don't want to get your hopes up, but at the same time, you can't stop pinning things on pinterest :)
The morning of the auction, I went to church and read the scripture for the day. It was about Gods dwelling place, I took that one as a sign from God. I prayed that he would give me the strength and ability to trust Him and his timing not if it didn't happen, but if it DID happen. It's pretty easy to keep on keeping on, but it's not so easy to change everything. I truly felt like all of it was placed in front of us: from Cody finding the house, to the kids wanting to move, to it going to auction soon, to getting all the paperwork in order and approved to buy it, to the house being perfectly imperfect for us, right down the winding road leading to it. I could see the girls and I baking at the counter, I could see Sawyer outside with his puppy, I could see miayla drawing on one of the decks and Cohen shooting his bow out by the stables. I could see out the huge front windows, cars coming up the drive, all while not seeing another house. I could see laughter at the table and memories in the walls. Before I left church, I was reminded by God that it was all up to Him and that whatever happened would happen, if it was meant to be it would be and that as long as I had the other 6 ppl in the house, wherever we were, as long as we were together, would be fine.
I won't get into too many details about the auction bc well I honestly can't remember. I was a mess, sweating, almost pissed myself during the bidding (kidding, kind of:), all while trying to play it super cool, not really knowing if I wanted to win or lose the auction even! Cody James was all calm, cool, and collected and the HIGH BIDDER.
I won't get into too many details about the auction bc well I honestly can't remember. I was a mess, sweating, almost pissed myself during the bidding (kidding, kind of:), all while trying to play it super cool, not really knowing if I wanted to win or lose the auction even! Cody James was all calm, cool, and collected and the HIGH BIDDER.
HOLY SMOKES WE BOUGHT A HOUSE.
We signed the contracts immediately... But first, some of the neighbors who came by to see who was about to invade the place, shook hands and gave hugs and calmed my nerves. I ended up knowing the seller and they are good folks too. I feel God put them in our path too.
I know the next few weeks are gonna be hard (not to mention the day after we bought the house we left for vacation for a week). Lots of packing, cleaning, renovating, school switching and chaos. I'm sad to leave our house, our parish, our neighborhood, and move further from our friends and my family. There were tears having to tell my dad, tears after Cody called our parish priest, tears after an email from our school principal, and tears after sad texts from our parish friends, and my family. But with the sad comes the happy. The happy dance when we told the kids, happiness from the sweet email from the new principal who said I made her day with our news, the hugs and cheers from Cody's brother and sister in law who canceled their date night to come into town and hear all about it and just be happy with us, and the happy feeling of looking at Cody randomly and seeing a smile allllll the time. Yes it will be hard, but it will be okay. I know it will be another fun adventure we go on as a family. I know that the 7 of us will find our new happy place, and memories will be abundant. I know that that we will make another home in our new parish and be blessed with new lifetime friends. I know that I will get to channel my inner Ree Drummond and experience my Cody in his element. And I know that those that love us, will come visit us, because distance is all an opinion. And I know that if God brought us to it, He will get us through it.
A picture of our new home, taken from the winding road, right after we bought it :)
Oh, and the house number is 7 and there is a white fence :)
"You know you came from it (dirt)
And some day you'll return to
And some day you'll return to
This elm shade red rust clay
You grew up on"
You grew up on"
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
UNO
So Belle turned UNO last month and I am finally blogging about it :)
My previous post touched on some of my emotions with it all. It was a sad and happy day. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Her giggles, her odd trait of licking things and THEN touching them, her cuddles, and the way she makes the perfect BABY.
Her actual day came with ups and downs. I had a thousand things to do that day, there was a WSU basketball game (we have season tickets), my dear friend had a bridal shower (I made the cake), this was all on top of planning the party, baking, and making a meal to feed 40 people (family and friends at the party). As I was driving back from the bridal shower, an hour before the party, it kind of all hit me. A part of me felt that maybe I had overbooked myself so I wouldn't have time to sit and think about it...my baby turning one. The weather turned bad and the roads started to get icy. Many people decided not to come to the party. At first it really bothered me, why didn't everyone want to celebrate my baby's big day? I've gone out in ice before for them? I've allowed for later bed times for their stuff? But then when it came down to it, I really didn't care. Not that I didn't want them there, but that their being there wouldn't really change anything or the difficulty that I was having with my baby being one. The ones that came, mean the world to us. But more than that, they celebrated Anabella. I celebrated her. Usually at our parties, I am refilling food, checking kids, taking pictures and it's all a whirlwind. Not that day. I ate with family, played on the floor with Bella, and really took it all in. I think God was looking out for me, and knew that THAT was what I needed. Not everyone there to see Belles, but for me to really cherish what was happening in that moment. It turned out to be a perfect little evening.... which coincided with my perfect little girl.
My previous post touched on some of my emotions with it all. It was a sad and happy day. I couldn't imagine my life without her. Her giggles, her odd trait of licking things and THEN touching them, her cuddles, and the way she makes the perfect BABY.
Her actual day came with ups and downs. I had a thousand things to do that day, there was a WSU basketball game (we have season tickets), my dear friend had a bridal shower (I made the cake), this was all on top of planning the party, baking, and making a meal to feed 40 people (family and friends at the party). As I was driving back from the bridal shower, an hour before the party, it kind of all hit me. A part of me felt that maybe I had overbooked myself so I wouldn't have time to sit and think about it...my baby turning one. The weather turned bad and the roads started to get icy. Many people decided not to come to the party. At first it really bothered me, why didn't everyone want to celebrate my baby's big day? I've gone out in ice before for them? I've allowed for later bed times for their stuff? But then when it came down to it, I really didn't care. Not that I didn't want them there, but that their being there wouldn't really change anything or the difficulty that I was having with my baby being one. The ones that came, mean the world to us. But more than that, they celebrated Anabella. I celebrated her. Usually at our parties, I am refilling food, checking kids, taking pictures and it's all a whirlwind. Not that day. I ate with family, played on the floor with Bella, and really took it all in. I think God was looking out for me, and knew that THAT was what I needed. Not everyone there to see Belles, but for me to really cherish what was happening in that moment. It turned out to be a perfect little evening.... which coincided with my perfect little girl.
a picture from each month of her life
all of her IG pics
Friday, February 21, 2014
The Baby....
So it's a Friday, on a surprisingly sunny afternoon for February in Kansas. I did some shopping at the Cottage Collective, a store I adore and look forward to the 3rd Friday of the month. I have been baking, redecorating, and playing. You would think I would be on cloud nine....
But I am not.
I am actually drinking a sweet tea, which if you know me, is like alcohol to some. It's my "fix" when I am in need of something strong, to take the edge off. Yes, an exciting life I lead. However, today, I have dove head first off the wagon.
The reality of this day, is that Miayla has a dance competiton in OKC. She doesn't dance until Sunday morning (4 dances). I have been looking forward/dreading this weekend since August. Looking forward to it because tiny dancer lives to dance. She is in a constant state of movement and we used to call her Tink because she was like a fairy, fluttering between places. She works so hard and call me bias, but is damn good. She is dancing two dances with older girls and one guy. Most of them are in 5th grade, she is in second. She likes to practice but loves to compete. All the practices 5 days a week, Friday nights and Saturday days, all the family time missed, birthday parties skipped, other sports/activities not played, are for this. She lives for it, and I am beyond proud and happy to support her in it. This is her weekend to shine and smile, and she will do both brightly.
However.....
My heart is heavy.
I have an empty feeling in my stomach.
My throat is dry.
I had a small-large anxiety attack.
If I had a gallon of sweet tea, I would have OD'd on it by now. Because you see, it is also the weekend I leave Bella for the first time ever for a period longer than 10 hrs. And even with that, I've only left her for 10hrs once...and I cried twice. And I guess its not alllll just Bella. Since July 2012, I have left the kids for 4 nights. One was for my best friends bachelorette party in KC, one was when Sawyer was in the hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed, and the other two were when I was in the hospital bringing Anabella into the world. Something about this time is different though. Something about this time is gutting me harder than any other time before.
When I got pregnant with Cohen, I didn't want kids. Something during that pregnancy changed though, or maybe not something but someone (me). When Cohen was born, I decided I wanted 5 babies, preferably before the time I was 30, God willing. So maybe it is because after each baby, I knew (hoped, prayed) that there would be another one, if God so saw it. Cody and I were willing to try everything on our end to make it happen ;) lol. But what happens now? Now that I am 30 and have 5 kiddos?
It's been weighing on me a lot in general, I guess. I've thought about this time of year, over and over and over lately. I think it is because we are getting ready to celebrate this:
With each first birthday, deep in my heart, I hoped it wouldn't be my last first birthday. And it's not that we are "done". (I despise that term, what am I, a turkey?!) It's just I hadn't thought about a 6th or 7th or 8th... I have only thought about 5. And for so long, I pictured the 5th as my baby. The baby. The last piece to our family puzzle.
So here I am... with Cinco. Getting ready to leave the 5th for the first time. (although right now, I am seriously contemplating NOT leaving her). I know I could take her. But it would be purely selfish, and difficult. I will have to help Miayla change back stage 4 times in a hurry. I will have to carry bags and food and costumes. And Anabella has pneumonia... a competition is not the best place to avoid germs. And, Miayla deserves my undivided attention, which would not happen if little sister followed along. I know I could take my mom, or a sitter to help with Anabella, but again, its not place for a sick baby who loves to crawl. She doesn't sleep as it is, so I feel a hotel room would be a disaster. I had thought about just getting up super early Sunday morning (which I still may do) and drive down...but the seems like a long day for tiny dancer...and I had a nightmare I overslept...and left all her shoes at home, lol. I know leaving her will happen eventually (especially because I have two overnight trips planned and Miayla has two more competitions out of state). But for some reason, this moment, it is so hard.
How does time go so fast?
How do we make it stop?
Miayla got upset last night (at Cody, not me...I'm her favorite....she pinky promised me in her closet last night that she would NEVER not talk to me:) ...Anyway, she was upset because Cody was playing old videos of her when she was little and singing and dancing. I told her that I wasn't sorry he recorded her (she was "mortified"). I can't remember her voice at age 5, the words she said wrong, the innocence in it all. And it breaks my heart. Its all a blur and it scares me.
So maybe that is it. The realization that what I live for is them. Everything about them. Their silliness, their orneriness, their playfulness...Them. "Let me hold you longer" by Karen Kingsbury is my favoritest children's book. It talks about how everyone always celebrates the Firsts, while she is wondering about the lasts.
"I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts."
So what if Belle is the last? What if this is the last first birthday? The last time I leave a baby for the first time? As I am typing this, I realized, that is it..... OKC is a tiny speck of it.... The reality is that I can't stop the lasts or the firsts for that matter. I can't change any of it. I can't do it all, be everywhere, remember it all... and that kills me. I would give anything to be able to though.
I guess all I can do is thank The Almighty for what He has blessed me with and pray that He gives me the strength to handle this trip, this next week as I prepare for B's party, and this life, to cherish my babies. All 5 of them. .... and maybe take some tea with me :)
But I am not.
I am actually drinking a sweet tea, which if you know me, is like alcohol to some. It's my "fix" when I am in need of something strong, to take the edge off. Yes, an exciting life I lead. However, today, I have dove head first off the wagon.
The reality of this day, is that Miayla has a dance competiton in OKC. She doesn't dance until Sunday morning (4 dances). I have been looking forward/dreading this weekend since August. Looking forward to it because tiny dancer lives to dance. She is in a constant state of movement and we used to call her Tink because she was like a fairy, fluttering between places. She works so hard and call me bias, but is damn good. She is dancing two dances with older girls and one guy. Most of them are in 5th grade, she is in second. She likes to practice but loves to compete. All the practices 5 days a week, Friday nights and Saturday days, all the family time missed, birthday parties skipped, other sports/activities not played, are for this. She lives for it, and I am beyond proud and happy to support her in it. This is her weekend to shine and smile, and she will do both brightly.
However.....
My heart is heavy.
I have an empty feeling in my stomach.
My throat is dry.
I had a small-large anxiety attack.
If I had a gallon of sweet tea, I would have OD'd on it by now. Because you see, it is also the weekend I leave Bella for the first time ever for a period longer than 10 hrs. And even with that, I've only left her for 10hrs once...and I cried twice. And I guess its not alllll just Bella. Since July 2012, I have left the kids for 4 nights. One was for my best friends bachelorette party in KC, one was when Sawyer was in the hospital to have his tonsils and adenoids removed, and the other two were when I was in the hospital bringing Anabella into the world. Something about this time is different though. Something about this time is gutting me harder than any other time before.
When I got pregnant with Cohen, I didn't want kids. Something during that pregnancy changed though, or maybe not something but someone (me). When Cohen was born, I decided I wanted 5 babies, preferably before the time I was 30, God willing. So maybe it is because after each baby, I knew (hoped, prayed) that there would be another one, if God so saw it. Cody and I were willing to try everything on our end to make it happen ;) lol. But what happens now? Now that I am 30 and have 5 kiddos?
It's been weighing on me a lot in general, I guess. I've thought about this time of year, over and over and over lately. I think it is because we are getting ready to celebrate this:
With each first birthday, deep in my heart, I hoped it wouldn't be my last first birthday. And it's not that we are "done". (I despise that term, what am I, a turkey?!) It's just I hadn't thought about a 6th or 7th or 8th... I have only thought about 5. And for so long, I pictured the 5th as my baby. The baby. The last piece to our family puzzle.
So here I am... with Cinco. Getting ready to leave the 5th for the first time. (although right now, I am seriously contemplating NOT leaving her). I know I could take her. But it would be purely selfish, and difficult. I will have to help Miayla change back stage 4 times in a hurry. I will have to carry bags and food and costumes. And Anabella has pneumonia... a competition is not the best place to avoid germs. And, Miayla deserves my undivided attention, which would not happen if little sister followed along. I know I could take my mom, or a sitter to help with Anabella, but again, its not place for a sick baby who loves to crawl. She doesn't sleep as it is, so I feel a hotel room would be a disaster. I had thought about just getting up super early Sunday morning (which I still may do) and drive down...but the seems like a long day for tiny dancer...and I had a nightmare I overslept...and left all her shoes at home, lol. I know leaving her will happen eventually (especially because I have two overnight trips planned and Miayla has two more competitions out of state). But for some reason, this moment, it is so hard.
How does time go so fast?
How do we make it stop?
Miayla got upset last night (at Cody, not me...I'm her favorite....she pinky promised me in her closet last night that she would NEVER not talk to me:) ...Anyway, she was upset because Cody was playing old videos of her when she was little and singing and dancing. I told her that I wasn't sorry he recorded her (she was "mortified"). I can't remember her voice at age 5, the words she said wrong, the innocence in it all. And it breaks my heart. Its all a blur and it scares me.
So maybe that is it. The realization that what I live for is them. Everything about them. Their silliness, their orneriness, their playfulness...Them. "Let me hold you longer" by Karen Kingsbury is my favoritest children's book. It talks about how everyone always celebrates the Firsts, while she is wondering about the lasts.
"I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as they pass
If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold onto your lasts."
So what if Belle is the last? What if this is the last first birthday? The last time I leave a baby for the first time? As I am typing this, I realized, that is it..... OKC is a tiny speck of it.... The reality is that I can't stop the lasts or the firsts for that matter. I can't change any of it. I can't do it all, be everywhere, remember it all... and that kills me. I would give anything to be able to though.
I guess all I can do is thank The Almighty for what He has blessed me with and pray that He gives me the strength to handle this trip, this next week as I prepare for B's party, and this life, to cherish my babies. All 5 of them. .... and maybe take some tea with me :)
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Taking names....
and you know the rest of the saying :)
For a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGG time now, I have been going slightly crazy in our home.
How in the world did we get so much stuff?! unnecessary stuff?? It's insane! And I have felt like I am drowning in it....And not just in the "stuff" but the feeling of not having time to deal with the "stuff". I think the overwhelming feeling of not being able to get stuff done that you genuinely want to get done is a bummer. I mean have you ever tried to deep clean with three little people following you all the time? One of them obsessed with licking things and putting them in her mouth and the others not allowing you to "rid" your life of any "stuff" because "I NEED IT". It's impossible.
I know we are blessed to have the home we have. Is it big, no. Is it small, no. Is it my dream home, no. But I know there are many people in the world, with bigger families too, that would love a home, no matter the size. So I have tried to keep that in perspective, along with the 2014 motto, and take a new cleaner approach to our life, home. Simplify it, cozy it up, and then spend the rest of 2014 cherishing the moments made in it and breathing because I am not drowning in "stuff".
I am half way through with the house, thanks to my AMAZING brother who has been watching the kiddos a few hrs a day so I can clean and organize. Although I feel like a big loser even having to ask that of him, I am feeling substantially better daily and I think that counts for something, right? He has only watched them for a few hours for 5 days now, but I still feel so guilty. It probably doesn't equal two days that most kids are in "daycare", but for some reason it is weighing on me. I don't ever have anyone watch them for "me" time and we don't have a cleaning lady. They are not in any kids day out program, so up until today when Sawyer started preschool again on Tues/Thurs mornings for 2.5 hrs, I am with them alllll the time. Don't get me wrong, I love time with them, but it is unreal the amount of stuff I can get done when it is just me and some country music to clean to. I am justifying it by knowing that this is just temporary and we will all be better for it in the end. It helps that they LOVE LOVE LOVE going to see him, and since he spent a year in Spain teaching English, I feel like they are making up for lost time. See, totally justified. (haha)
And because I can't JUST purge and organize, I have decided to redo a couple of the rooms in the house. Not complete redos, just a couple of pieces to refinish, wall hangings to switch out, rugs to buy. :) I am getting stir crazy being in the same space for this long and since a new house isn't in the cards for a while, I am changing things up a tad here. A Casa face lift you could dub it.
I am really excited about life right now on so many aspects!! I love new beginnings and I feel like 2014 was just that for me, or maybe it was turning 30. Who knows. I feel like I am finally becoming "me". Figuring out what I am about, and how I feel on so many issues. Its fun and interesting. I am also slowly getting this whole mommy of 5 thing down. Routines are getting easier, or adjusting to lack of routines is less chaotic I should say :) I CANNOT wait until summer is here and I have all the babies all the time with lots of fun to be had. I used to hate summer, mostly because I am a cold weather fan, but I am counting the days to this summer. Kids give me so much to look forward to, I love the world through them. The last few Sundays in Mass, I have almost been brought to tears by various things that I see at Mass, or just realize during Mass. It is such a peaceful feeling and God is so great, and I am eternally blessed.
For a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGG time now, I have been going slightly crazy in our home.
How in the world did we get so much stuff?! unnecessary stuff?? It's insane! And I have felt like I am drowning in it....And not just in the "stuff" but the feeling of not having time to deal with the "stuff". I think the overwhelming feeling of not being able to get stuff done that you genuinely want to get done is a bummer. I mean have you ever tried to deep clean with three little people following you all the time? One of them obsessed with licking things and putting them in her mouth and the others not allowing you to "rid" your life of any "stuff" because "I NEED IT". It's impossible.
I know we are blessed to have the home we have. Is it big, no. Is it small, no. Is it my dream home, no. But I know there are many people in the world, with bigger families too, that would love a home, no matter the size. So I have tried to keep that in perspective, along with the 2014 motto, and take a new cleaner approach to our life, home. Simplify it, cozy it up, and then spend the rest of 2014 cherishing the moments made in it and breathing because I am not drowning in "stuff".
I am half way through with the house, thanks to my AMAZING brother who has been watching the kiddos a few hrs a day so I can clean and organize. Although I feel like a big loser even having to ask that of him, I am feeling substantially better daily and I think that counts for something, right? He has only watched them for a few hours for 5 days now, but I still feel so guilty. It probably doesn't equal two days that most kids are in "daycare", but for some reason it is weighing on me. I don't ever have anyone watch them for "me" time and we don't have a cleaning lady. They are not in any kids day out program, so up until today when Sawyer started preschool again on Tues/Thurs mornings for 2.5 hrs, I am with them alllll the time. Don't get me wrong, I love time with them, but it is unreal the amount of stuff I can get done when it is just me and some country music to clean to. I am justifying it by knowing that this is just temporary and we will all be better for it in the end. It helps that they LOVE LOVE LOVE going to see him, and since he spent a year in Spain teaching English, I feel like they are making up for lost time. See, totally justified. (haha)
And because I can't JUST purge and organize, I have decided to redo a couple of the rooms in the house. Not complete redos, just a couple of pieces to refinish, wall hangings to switch out, rugs to buy. :) I am getting stir crazy being in the same space for this long and since a new house isn't in the cards for a while, I am changing things up a tad here. A Casa face lift you could dub it.
I am really excited about life right now on so many aspects!! I love new beginnings and I feel like 2014 was just that for me, or maybe it was turning 30. Who knows. I feel like I am finally becoming "me". Figuring out what I am about, and how I feel on so many issues. Its fun and interesting. I am also slowly getting this whole mommy of 5 thing down. Routines are getting easier, or adjusting to lack of routines is less chaotic I should say :) I CANNOT wait until summer is here and I have all the babies all the time with lots of fun to be had. I used to hate summer, mostly because I am a cold weather fan, but I am counting the days to this summer. Kids give me so much to look forward to, I love the world through them. The last few Sundays in Mass, I have almost been brought to tears by various things that I see at Mass, or just realize during Mass. It is such a peaceful feeling and God is so great, and I am eternally blessed.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
14 random things you may or may not know about me
14. I am obsessed with Target and have been "grounded" from it most of my adult life. I can spend an absurd amount of money in there and find stuff I didn't even know they made let alone need. One of my best friends actually got me a gift card there for Christmas with the message "for when you get a chance to get away and walk around target." It's like my oasis.
13. My hair used to be spirally curly when I was younger. When I became pregnant with Cohen I started to lose my curl and after he was born my hair was virtually straight. They say that hormones are to blame. The UPSIDE though is with each subsequent pregnancy, I regained some of my curl back, so 5 pregnancies later, it's curly again. yay me!
12. I have ran the New York City Marathon and the Walt Disney Half marathon. I hope to run both again, especially NYC. It's magical.
11. I have been going to Chiefs games since I was 5. I have gone to at least one game every year for the last 25 years. Many a memories have been made in section 129 row 32. My dad actually taught me to drive going insanely fast down the turnpike, following a caravan of chief cars. I used to also want to be a Chiefs cheerleader when I was little...either that or work at Dairy Queen ;) pretty glad neither of those panned out.
10. I HATE cats....with the passion of a thousand suns. I am deathly allergic and fiercely scared. They freak me out and people that take pictures of them on their counter in their kitchen...GROSS. You can bet I will NOT be eating anything from your house. Dogs are cool though. :)
9. I have never been to Colorado and/or skiing. I keep hinting to Cody J that I would like to get away with him...apparently the hints have been to subtle... maybe I'll send him the link to this blog:)
8. A year and a half ago, Cody and I went on a trip to California. It was AUH-MAZING. While there, we went to Crystal Cove Beach. I LOVED it and decided that we will definitely be taking a family vacation there. Morbidly though, if I were to ever find out I was dying (at a faster rate than I am), CC would be my place in the world to cherish the end.
7. I have read and do read with the kiddos daily. This is nothing big with babies, BUT now that Cohen and Miayla are older, we read big books together, classics, every night, and I wouldn't trade these times for anything. I enjoy reading, but like with most things with kiddos, watching them experience it is so much cooler. Watching a story come to life and being with them on that journey is so fun.
6. When I learned to crawl, I crawled over to my sisters bed and stole her baby blanket, Blankie, and have slept with it every night since. That's right folks, I am 30 years old and sleep with a blanket. It is disgusting, barely any of the original of it still there, but it means soooo much to me. Cody has accepted it, you should too.
5. I wish I was from the south. I love everything southern, especially the style and accent. I wouldn't mind moving to a big ole spread, with willow trees lining the drive, enjoying sweet tea on an enormous porch, watching the sun set on the pond. Bless my heart for not being from the south :(
4. On the flip side of that, Cody and I own a decent chunk of land here, and for that I am grateful. We have 270 acres out by his folks and 200 acres northwest of where we currently live, named Jester Creek. Although I like the land by his family, I REALLY like Jester Creek. It has a river that runs through it and a creek, and wooded areas, and big stones, and wheat and corn and is tucked away from the world. It has become a great escape, I hope to escape their permanently one day.
3. I have three tattoos. One is the typical, "I am in college" placed at the front on my lower hip. I don't regret it, just wish it had a tad more meaning, but I do like it. I also have the kids' names in Hebrew down my spine. Well 4/5 of them ;) and then I have "Liebe" on my left wrist for Cody J. It means "love" in German, since that is how he has come to say it to me. Liebe my little German boy :)
2. I am completely fascinated with my faith. I love Catholicism and it's history, universalism, and comfort.
1. Cody J and the kiddos are my everything. I would die for them, die unto myself because of them, and would go to the ends of this earth to bring them happiness. {that one you probably knew}
13. My hair used to be spirally curly when I was younger. When I became pregnant with Cohen I started to lose my curl and after he was born my hair was virtually straight. They say that hormones are to blame. The UPSIDE though is with each subsequent pregnancy, I regained some of my curl back, so 5 pregnancies later, it's curly again. yay me!
12. I have ran the New York City Marathon and the Walt Disney Half marathon. I hope to run both again, especially NYC. It's magical.
11. I have been going to Chiefs games since I was 5. I have gone to at least one game every year for the last 25 years. Many a memories have been made in section 129 row 32. My dad actually taught me to drive going insanely fast down the turnpike, following a caravan of chief cars. I used to also want to be a Chiefs cheerleader when I was little...either that or work at Dairy Queen ;) pretty glad neither of those panned out.
10. I HATE cats....with the passion of a thousand suns. I am deathly allergic and fiercely scared. They freak me out and people that take pictures of them on their counter in their kitchen...GROSS. You can bet I will NOT be eating anything from your house. Dogs are cool though. :)
9. I have never been to Colorado and/or skiing. I keep hinting to Cody J that I would like to get away with him...apparently the hints have been to subtle... maybe I'll send him the link to this blog:)
8. A year and a half ago, Cody and I went on a trip to California. It was AUH-MAZING. While there, we went to Crystal Cove Beach. I LOVED it and decided that we will definitely be taking a family vacation there. Morbidly though, if I were to ever find out I was dying (at a faster rate than I am), CC would be my place in the world to cherish the end.
7. I have read and do read with the kiddos daily. This is nothing big with babies, BUT now that Cohen and Miayla are older, we read big books together, classics, every night, and I wouldn't trade these times for anything. I enjoy reading, but like with most things with kiddos, watching them experience it is so much cooler. Watching a story come to life and being with them on that journey is so fun.
6. When I learned to crawl, I crawled over to my sisters bed and stole her baby blanket, Blankie, and have slept with it every night since. That's right folks, I am 30 years old and sleep with a blanket. It is disgusting, barely any of the original of it still there, but it means soooo much to me. Cody has accepted it, you should too.
5. I wish I was from the south. I love everything southern, especially the style and accent. I wouldn't mind moving to a big ole spread, with willow trees lining the drive, enjoying sweet tea on an enormous porch, watching the sun set on the pond. Bless my heart for not being from the south :(
4. On the flip side of that, Cody and I own a decent chunk of land here, and for that I am grateful. We have 270 acres out by his folks and 200 acres northwest of where we currently live, named Jester Creek. Although I like the land by his family, I REALLY like Jester Creek. It has a river that runs through it and a creek, and wooded areas, and big stones, and wheat and corn and is tucked away from the world. It has become a great escape, I hope to escape their permanently one day.
3. I have three tattoos. One is the typical, "I am in college" placed at the front on my lower hip. I don't regret it, just wish it had a tad more meaning, but I do like it. I also have the kids' names in Hebrew down my spine. Well 4/5 of them ;) and then I have "Liebe" on my left wrist for Cody J. It means "love" in German, since that is how he has come to say it to me. Liebe my little German boy :)
2. I am completely fascinated with my faith. I love Catholicism and it's history, universalism, and comfort.
1. Cody J and the kiddos are my everything. I would die for them, die unto myself because of them, and would go to the ends of this earth to bring them happiness. {that one you probably knew}
Monday, January 6, 2014
My Favorite Number
My favorite number is 14, so you can imagine my delight to be entering the year 2014. It has always been my lucky number for as far back as I can remember and chances are if I ask you to pick a number between 1-20, you will probably win with 14 as your pick. Cohen has figured it out, but so far he is the only kid to. He is a sly one ;)
A lot has changed since the last time I blogged. Yes, it has been almost a year. Clearly I get the awesome blogger award. :) Although I have started many drafts, they all seem a bit untimely now to actually publish, and I feel I have changed a lot over the last year so some of those views are not mine anymore. So instead of catching up on the past, I decided to focus on the future, after all, that is where we are headed. I think the BIGGEST change this last year is this....
Miss Anabella Marie joined our lives in March. With her came a swarm of feelings, some unexpected, some traditional, but all changing me in profound ways. You would think with the 5th kiddo, all would be same ole same ole. Not at all. Everything is different. Yea, changing a diaper, bathing, that's all the same. But how they change you, and make their OWN little place in your heart, is so different. Cohen was the first. The scared, "how in the world did God think I was capable of being your mom?" trial and error, living for someone else kind of love. Miayla was the little girl, sweet and cute and princess-y can't believe I actually have a girl love. Sawyer was the slower love. Everything was the same at first, but as he grew, in his differences, he made my love kinder, my heart softer, our world better. Then you have the bug, Kaia, who I adore because she is me. Every little ounce of her, is a tiny, tiny Jeny. I empathize with her on so many levels and I love her for loving me and seeing my struggle. And then Belles. Truth be told, Belle and I were kind of on the oust while she was chilling inside. Something about that pregnancy was so different, kind of sad, kind of not ready, that my heart was just different. Its hard to explain, but I am so thankful for two friends that knew the truth of my feelings and got me through it. The SECOND she took her first breath though, she truly did take mine away. (cliché I know) She has been by my side since then. She filled my heart with a love that I never knew was missing and I am eternally grateful to God that He knew what I needed and when I needed it, even though I didn't.
So here we are, in 2014. Thirty years old, with 5 babies and so much to be thankful for. So I guess comes the typical resolution section. Although I have many, one thing I have learned over the years and kids is to not bite off too much, so I am going to keep it simple with my motto for 2014 :
Do less from habit and more from intention.
And this is the focus of my intention
There is so much I do out of habit with them, all aspects of my life in general, that when you step back and think about it, how much of it is done out of genuine intent?
Our parish priest also talked about that exact thing this weekend, which I thought was a small sign from God. He spoke about how its so easy for us to get in this "go through the motions" of Catholicism and not live in a Christ-like way. Do we practice the corporal works of mercy, do we help where we can, do we love completely? Or do we go off of habit and let other organizations take care of this cause and that cause. Do we stand up, sit down, kneel at Mass without ever PRAYING at Mass?
Intention vs habit
For the curious cats out there, this is also why I nixed my FB account mid December. I decided that I would try to reach out to a handful of close friends than know about 737 other "friends". It was sooo easy to get into the habit of checking up on friends that I didn't call them. I could see what Ash was doing that week, or what Mel was thinking about, that it took the friendship aspect out of it for me. I wasn't trying to be a friend. My curiosity was peaked about many people and their lives, but a sense of loss was going on in mine. I NEEDED close, good friends. I have been lacking that the last few years and I honestly think FB was some of the reason. There was no intention, just habit. I was going through the motions of being a friend, but not actually being one. Another reason I deactivated my FB was about the time I was thinking about all of the above.... some one made the comment that I couldn't get off facebook because I was "such a good mom". I know she meant it as being a testimony to having lots of babies and being open to life and loving God, but it didn't settle well with me. I decided to be a good mom, I would actually BE a good mom, whether or not the world could see it. that if later down the road, I saw someone from my past and they knew nothing about my kids, they would learn from their character and know what kind of house they grew up in, not what was shown on social media. Facebook is good for many reasons, don't get me wrong. But for what I needed to do to live more out of intent and less out of habit was to say adios to it, so I did.
And with saying adios to ole FB and 2013, I said hello to my favorite '14! I am really excited and hopeful for life in 2014. Six days into it and I've been trying harder than ever to do more from the bottom of my little heart than I have in a long time. I've had some successful days, and some not so successful, but I am more at peace with myself now than I ever have been and that is an amazing feeling. :)
God's peace to you and yours and here is to having a 2014 full of intention !
A lot has changed since the last time I blogged. Yes, it has been almost a year. Clearly I get the awesome blogger award. :) Although I have started many drafts, they all seem a bit untimely now to actually publish, and I feel I have changed a lot over the last year so some of those views are not mine anymore. So instead of catching up on the past, I decided to focus on the future, after all, that is where we are headed. I think the BIGGEST change this last year is this....
Miss Anabella Marie joined our lives in March. With her came a swarm of feelings, some unexpected, some traditional, but all changing me in profound ways. You would think with the 5th kiddo, all would be same ole same ole. Not at all. Everything is different. Yea, changing a diaper, bathing, that's all the same. But how they change you, and make their OWN little place in your heart, is so different. Cohen was the first. The scared, "how in the world did God think I was capable of being your mom?" trial and error, living for someone else kind of love. Miayla was the little girl, sweet and cute and princess-y can't believe I actually have a girl love. Sawyer was the slower love. Everything was the same at first, but as he grew, in his differences, he made my love kinder, my heart softer, our world better. Then you have the bug, Kaia, who I adore because she is me. Every little ounce of her, is a tiny, tiny Jeny. I empathize with her on so many levels and I love her for loving me and seeing my struggle. And then Belles. Truth be told, Belle and I were kind of on the oust while she was chilling inside. Something about that pregnancy was so different, kind of sad, kind of not ready, that my heart was just different. Its hard to explain, but I am so thankful for two friends that knew the truth of my feelings and got me through it. The SECOND she took her first breath though, she truly did take mine away. (cliché I know) She has been by my side since then. She filled my heart with a love that I never knew was missing and I am eternally grateful to God that He knew what I needed and when I needed it, even though I didn't.
So here we are, in 2014. Thirty years old, with 5 babies and so much to be thankful for. So I guess comes the typical resolution section. Although I have many, one thing I have learned over the years and kids is to not bite off too much, so I am going to keep it simple with my motto for 2014 :
Do less from habit and more from intention.
And this is the focus of my intention
There is so much I do out of habit with them, all aspects of my life in general, that when you step back and think about it, how much of it is done out of genuine intent?
Our parish priest also talked about that exact thing this weekend, which I thought was a small sign from God. He spoke about how its so easy for us to get in this "go through the motions" of Catholicism and not live in a Christ-like way. Do we practice the corporal works of mercy, do we help where we can, do we love completely? Or do we go off of habit and let other organizations take care of this cause and that cause. Do we stand up, sit down, kneel at Mass without ever PRAYING at Mass?
Intention vs habit
For the curious cats out there, this is also why I nixed my FB account mid December. I decided that I would try to reach out to a handful of close friends than know about 737 other "friends". It was sooo easy to get into the habit of checking up on friends that I didn't call them. I could see what Ash was doing that week, or what Mel was thinking about, that it took the friendship aspect out of it for me. I wasn't trying to be a friend. My curiosity was peaked about many people and their lives, but a sense of loss was going on in mine. I NEEDED close, good friends. I have been lacking that the last few years and I honestly think FB was some of the reason. There was no intention, just habit. I was going through the motions of being a friend, but not actually being one. Another reason I deactivated my FB was about the time I was thinking about all of the above.... some one made the comment that I couldn't get off facebook because I was "such a good mom". I know she meant it as being a testimony to having lots of babies and being open to life and loving God, but it didn't settle well with me. I decided to be a good mom, I would actually BE a good mom, whether or not the world could see it. that if later down the road, I saw someone from my past and they knew nothing about my kids, they would learn from their character and know what kind of house they grew up in, not what was shown on social media. Facebook is good for many reasons, don't get me wrong. But for what I needed to do to live more out of intent and less out of habit was to say adios to it, so I did.
And with saying adios to ole FB and 2013, I said hello to my favorite '14! I am really excited and hopeful for life in 2014. Six days into it and I've been trying harder than ever to do more from the bottom of my little heart than I have in a long time. I've had some successful days, and some not so successful, but I am more at peace with myself now than I ever have been and that is an amazing feeling. :)
God's peace to you and yours and here is to having a 2014 full of intention !
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